Thomas and I were fighting more. I had just graduated from community college with my AA and a 4.0 GPA. I had applied and got accepted to FIU and would be starting the fall semester there and living on campus. Whether this was the cause of our fighting or the fact that I was starting to mentally, emotionally and eventually physically detach from him I’m sure were major problems. I didn’t intentionally try to hurt him. It wasn’t my game plan. I will admit that I was being selfish and thinking about myself and my own growth. The summer before I was starting FIU in Miami was rough for Thomas and I. One night we fought so bad I was so sick of it I didn’t know what else to do. Thomas had a gun license and kept guns in the house. His father was a Vietnam Vet, so he taught Thomas how to use and clean guns. It was a hobby for Thomas. I at that time didn’t like guns and didn’t like having them in the house. That night in particular I can’t even remember what we were fighting about. It could have been anything to be honest. I just wanted to stop fighting, shut down and go to sleep. He wasn’t having any of it. Whenever I fight with someone and I’ve reached a breaking point, I need to go into my space and calm down. Thomas wasn’t one to leave things unfinished. I went into the bedroom to go to sleep and laid down in bed and just ignored him. He was having none of that. I heard him raising his voice next to me, just getting more and more angry as I ignored him. If he wasn’t going to get me to acknowledge him by yelling at me then he was going to force the issue by going over to the other side of the bed and flipping the mattress over with me on it. I spilled onto the floor and banged my head on a nightstand. At this point I was fed up. I didn’t even know what I was feeling anymore, anger, hurt, fear? All I had in me in that moment was to react, he wasn’t going to leave me alone so in my mind there was only one way to stop it all. I opened the closest door and grabbed one of his guns and pointed it to my head. I had no idea if the gun was loaded or not, it didn’t matter at that point. I told him to leave me alone or I was going to blow my head off. When I think back to this moment in my life, I knew I wasn’t suicidal. It was an extreme empty threat that I was using to make him back off. I think deep down he did too. He tried to reach for the gun and told me I was acting crazy, and I was, who in their right mind does that unless they want to put a bullet in their head? I was unrelenting though. Once I hit a certain level of being pushed over the line, there was no coming back. So he did what he thought was either the safest thing to do, or he did something in spite. either way he called the cops. When I heard him talking to the cops my first reaction was to leave and run away. I ran down our building steps from the third floor and ran to the back of the building, knowing if I went towards the front I would be in the parking lot. It was late at night and behind our apartment building was dark with trees and bushes to hide behind. I hide behind a tree behind the next building over and watched a cop car stop in front of our apartment building. My heart was beating so hard I thought I could hear it and tried not to breathe. What the hell was Thomas trying to do, get me locked up? It wasn’t long before the cops were looking for me. Thomas obviously told them I didn’t take our car, so I must have taken off on foot somewhere. They had flashlights looking behind the buildings, it brought me back to a time when the cops were using their flashlights in my backyard looking for someone else, my mom. I methodically hid behind trees and then bushes when I saw the lights move. It was like playing cat and mouse, except I was the mouse and I didn’t like that. I took a deep breath and decided I might as well give myself up, I mean where was I going to go? So I started walking toward a cop closest to me and went blind with the bright light in my eyes. “Are you Leigh”? he questioned. I nodded yes. He yelled to the others that he found me and walked me over to the cop car. Then the questioning began, Why did I have a gun? Why did I want to kill myself? etc. I tried to explain I wasn’t suicidal and that It was in the heat of the moment during an argument. I might as well have been speaking another language because they didn’t believe me. I had two choices. I could come voluntarily, or unvoluntary. Go where? I asked. “To the hospital, and if you decide to go unwilling it will only be harder on you”. One of the cops replied to my question. So I took the easier way, I went willingly.
Misguided Mommy 