It seemed as was at a cross road in my life. I loved Thomas but I also wanted more and to explore. I wanted to stretch my wings and go to a university when I graduated community college. My mom had sold our house in Boca Raton, the one we first moved into in 1993, to move farther up the coast to the Treasure Coast because Jerry wanted to move there because the surfing was better. I was upset when she decided to do that, not only because it was our home but it had sentimental value to me. True, I haven’t lived there for several year, give and take a few short stays since I was 17 but it was ours. She made the decision because a man she didn’t want to lose wanted her to do it and also because later I heard she was having financial problems. She first moved to Jensen Beach, rented a house there with him for a while and later rented another house. Thomas and I would visit on weekends and holidays but it never felt the same. It wasn’t my home anymore. It didn’t have that comfort feeling that sometimes you need as a young adult, like a security blanket to a baby.
My apartment with Thomas kind of had that feeling but not completely. It wasn’t just my space, it was his as well. We didn’t owe each other anything, we weren’t engaged or married. I thought for a long time that he was going to end up being the one. I thought I would marry him someday, until I started having my doubts. Once I knew that graduating from community college was looming in the near future and having a life outside of him already, that’s when those doubts started taking roots. I was starting to get better slowly from my panic attacks. The klonopin did help with that. They did kind of become my security blanket for a while. I would bring a couple with me everywhere just in case. Not that I had a problem with them, I think just knowing that I had them and I felt something coming on I had a little pill that would stop it all. Everything in my life, shit even in my world was in a tale spin. Nothing seemed normal anymore. After 9/11, it wasn’t just the worry and anxiety of my life anymore, it was of the whole world. I know the world was never at peace, but after that attack, at least for my generation nothing was the same. We were too young to remember the cold war and the war in the Persian Gulf. I know things happened in the 1990s but if you were young or a teenager that didn’t watch much TV and spent time out of the house doing things unlike most kids today you didn’t really know what was going on. The world seemed quiet then. When those two towers fell the world as I knew it fell as well.
Misguided Mommy 