I talked to my mom about moving back in with her and starting community college and rebuilding a relationship with her. She was feeling averse to the situation since she and Jerry got back together and he was once again living in the house. I can remember thinking “here we go again”. I wasn’t about to lose the chance to have a relationship with my own mom over some loser pothead. So I got Lindsay to convince her and tell her how great I was doing. I had talked to another aunt on my dad’s side of the family and her husband was getting a new car and offered to give me his old car for free! I was so stoked. Finally my mom agreed. I moved into my brother’s old room since Jerry took over the other two rooms with his belongings. I was pretty devastated, I missed my old room and it was the biggest of all the rooms on the other side of the house. My Aunt Eileen were having my car shipped down from Pennsylvania so I had to wait for
the title to get the tag. I also needed to go take the CPT, (College Placement Test) at
Palm Beach Community College since I never took the SAT’s. This would determine
what classes I would be placed into, either regular or advanced English or regular or
intermediate math etc. I took the test and the results were good except for math, I placed
below average which wasn’t a surprise to me, I had always struggled with this subject.
I registered for the fall semester which started in August but it was still only May. I
looked for jobs but when my mom’s good friend Maria asked me to watch her one year
old son; I was like “sure”. Maria is an awesome lady. My mom and she met at her ex-
husband’s salon. They became friends instantly. I also looked up to her because she was
so stylish and down to earth. At first I had no idea what I was doing. It was fun but a little
overwhelming, I mean I was 19, what did I know about being a parent? A year ago I was
still strung out on drugs. As time went on though I got the hang of it and loved that little
boy, I felt like his big sister.
I started seeing friends that I hadn’t seen since before my drug hole. It was great. I had a
car, I had friends, I was making money, and I had a life! Everything wasn’t peaches and
cream though. Things with my mom and I weren’t exactly going as planned. She still
drank more than ever and every night in our household it was judgment time. She would
pick me apart if Jerry wasn’t getting a thrashing. She would tell me how much of a
loser I was; she would complain about my social life, she would complain about Thomas
coming over. It never ended and nothing made her happy no matter how hard I tried. At
the time Thomas was living a few towns away in Boynton Beach with his grandparents
and he worked nights, so I didn’t see him everyday. When the shit hit the fan at home
the person I usually got a hold of was Kane. I would beep him on his pager and when he
called me back he told me he was going to come and get me. When he pulled up I jumped
in his car and we would just keep driving. We would sometimes drive around for hours
talk and listen to music. Our usual place was to drive up and down A1A by the beach and
look at all the mansions and high condo buildings. I felt so safe and refreshed being in the car with him just talking about anything and everything. I would make him laugh and he would make me laugh.
In my life everything always came to some end and some conclusion. Kane died in June. Thomas and I started our relationship again. In the Fall of 2001 I started community college. As I stated before nothing I did was good enough for my mom at that time. I was doing everything she would bitch about before I moved in with Aunt Lindsay. I had a car, I had a job, I was in school, which I paid for. Still nothing I did was worth a damn. Once night-time fell upon our household and she already had a few drinks in her, it was like a demon was released. She would complain about everything, blame me for everything and wish I didn’t exist. I wrote a poem during this time period.
Children
Children protected, innocent souls
guidance needed, laughter heard
imaginations run, questions asked
happiness felt, playing necessary
Fucked parents, children beaten
innocence lost, guidance stops
crying heard, sadness felt
scars form, evil starts, hate begins, cause of fucked up parents.
In October my Mom kicked me out again. This time it was for good. I had to find somewhere to go. That’s when Thomas and I got our own apartment once again. Things would be different this time.
Misguided Mommy 