When I got back down to South Florida, Kane came and picked me up in Deerfield Beach. We were still close friends and he was driving me to Thomas’s apartment since Thomas didn’t have a car. He lived with two roommates, one who wasn’t too pleased by my presence. Therefore, I was soon on the move again looking for a place to stay. My Aunt Ellen invited me to come and stay with her since the holidays were close even though room was tight. She had my cousin Sophie still living with her since she was still in high school and Sophie’s boyfriend who she met online and somehow managed to move in. I wasn’t too thrilled with the arrangement since I was never too close to either Ellen or Sophie and felt their judging eyes watching me like a hawk. I had the worst time sleeping; I would be up writing in my journal or on their computer until 4 in the morning when I couldn’t see Thomas. I was also having bad panic attacks and the medication I was taking at the time, Serzone, really wasn’t doing too much for me. I had a conversation with my aunt about since she was a nurse back in the day and her advice was just too completely stop taking the medication! I was 18 years old and didn’t know any better so I took her advice and remember getting so sick that on Christmas Day I couldn’t even eat dinner with them because if I stood up I would just fall to the ground and faint. How is it that someone in the medical field wouldn’t know that completely stopping taking any kind of medication is very dangerous and leads to horrible withdrawals is beyond me! That was strike one of my anger and resentment towards her. I know I should have been more thankful and appreciate that she took me in, but I felt more like an inconvenience to her than anything and I was family. The guy living downstairs wasn’t family yet he was treated as if he outranked me. Strike two. Thomas and I were able to see each other but not all the time like I would have thought. He would have to borrow people’s cars to come and see me when he could. One night he
came over and he and I fell asleep. That pissed my aunt off like you wouldn’t believe, but
her teenage boyfriend living in her house was ok. He was eventually banned from the house. Not long after that I was getting the boot too. that’s when the cavalry were
called; My Aunt Lindsay was summoned to bring me back to North Florida because
obviously there was no place for me there. While all of this was happening, they were in
contact with my mother. I had mixed feelings about talking to her. I felt so betrayed and
hurt, yet I wanted her love and a normal relationship with her. I think that’s what always drove me back to her was the hope of a normal loving relationship. My Aunt flew in after new years and was staying with my mom but she and I still weren’t supposed to be talking to each other. She still had her court date in the next couple of days. During that time I was in agony knowing I would have to leave again. I felt lonely, hopeless and
totally lost in the world without a soul to turn to. When my mom did go to court, I’m not
completely sure what the outcome was but I knew that they removed the no contact
order. So I was invited to come say goodbye to my mother the day before my flight left
to go back to Jacksonville Beach. When I saw my mom for the first time in a month, after
what she did to me, I didn’t get an apology. I was to blame. She was writing it off as
something that should have never happened to “her” and that she should sue the police
for the inhumane way they treated her. It was like getting punched in the gut. Was this
really all my fault? Maybe if I was a better daughter or turned out better maybe she
wouldn’t have been so angry with me? Whatever the case, it was a bittersweet reunion
and when she took my aunt and me to the airport I was hysterical. I didn’t want to get on
that plane, I was afraid of having a panic attack; I wanted to be comforted by my mother.
I wanted her to tell me that I didn’t need to go anywhere that I could stay at home and
everything would be normal. She was the one that was practically pushing me down the
tarmac to get on the plane. No amount of pleading, sobbing or begging was going to
change anything. So off I went into the bright blue skies.
Misguided Mommy 