Before I get a head of myself, I should explain who this person was to me in my life at the time and for a long time after. I did meet Thomas at a rave and we shared a love for parties and drugs but it wasn’t just those things that brought us together. We had a deep connection. We both were broken kids with broken parents looking for love. We loved the same music, style of clothing such as Jncos and had very similar beliefs. I’m not saying we were exactly the same person but pretty damn close. He was beautiful also. I had loved the band Korn and even had a crush on the lead singer of the band Jonathan Davis and at the time I met Thomas you would have thought he did too. He loved to wear Adidas track suits, had long hair past his shoulders with it being shaved underneath. He had two eyebrow piercings and his tongue pierced. I remember taking of picture of him in front of a Korn poster and seeing the similarities between him and the singer.
Not only was he very attractive in my eyes but he seemed to have a heart of gold. Before we even got together we would talk online for hours and then he would stop by my house before he went into work and hand me a pack of Marlboro lights, we smoked the same cigarettes too. He took me to get my eyebrow pierced and paid for it even though we weren’t even together yet. He did little things like that not only because he was a sweet guy but also to show me he cared. When I was with him I felt safe and secure like I never felt before, like nobody could hurt me because he had some magic power to make everything melt away. Whatever I wanted he would get for me or do the best he could since we were just two kids living off his income of minimum wage.
Like I explained in a previous chapter, Thomas lived in an apartment with roommates. He didn’t live with his parents since they were both in rehab or a half way house at the time. I moved in with him when I was 17 until we got evicted from our apartment and I started having daily panic attacks. I had no choice but to move back in with my mom. I thought the comfort of home would save me from the horrible attacks and calm my soul but I was wrong. My mom turned my old room into the new computer room. So I had to move into my brothers old room. It felt like treason. How could she take my room away? It didn’t matter very much later I would find out and I’ll clarify later in subsequent chapters.
Thomas and I ended up living together on and off for 5 years. Most of that time he was making all of the money,(that he knew of). He loved me, took care of me and put a roof over my head. I went to school and he worked his ass off. He was and is a truly amazing person. In the beginning of our living together in our first real apartment with no drugs, both of us clean and acting like grown adults at 19 things were good. I went to school, cleaned the apartment, even made dinners. I guess being so young, plus having a horrible role model for relationships and being the asshole I kind of was all of that lasted for only a period of time. After I turned 21, I started drinking again. Not like my mom drank but I went out with my friends and partied a lot. There were times I was unfaithful and he knew it. I feel horrible for the way I treated him today, but back then I was either being selfish or just plain vindictive. When I graduated from community college in the summer of 2003, I had already made plans to attend FIU, Florida International University. FIU is in Miami. He obviously wasn’t happy with my decision but I felt for the first time I needed to figure out what I truly wanted to do with my life and live on campus since we had a place in Boynton Beach and that was a good two hour drive south to the campus. There was a local university but they didn’t have a good program for what I was looking to get into. If I wanted to pursue the sciences I would have to go somewhere else in the state. We had a difficult period before I left and when I did move into the campus apartments things between us became even more strained. Even though our relationship finally ended not long after my move to Miami, we still stayed in contact. At first not so much, he met a girl who was living here through a work visa from England and he was and is a very loyal guy. He limited our contact during their relationship but over the years we still found a way back in contact. Even as I was getting married we still remained close. It wasn’t until I became pregnant with my daughter that he completely shut down communication between us. I’m sure it had something to do with finally moving on with his life and seeing that I was having a kid probably sealed the deal that there wouldn’t be another chance for us. It was very difficult and painful on my end, I don’t have any idea how it was for him. It took me a long time to get over that connection. It was like I knew him since we were kids and we had this bond of dysfunction. We grew up together in a sense. We went through so much together, whether good or bad it was memories, experiences, pain, growth, everything. I still miss him and miss talking to him I’m not going to lie. I feel I’ve finally gotten over the pain of losing him in my life, like losing a limb. It doesn’t mean I still don’t think of him from time to time and hope he is doing well. I did hear from mutual friends that he is engaged and living with his fiancé and doing well. I’m very happy for him I truly am. I hope one day we can call each other and just talk like we used. Maybe one day.
Misguided Mommy 