Life at home was getting harder and harder to tolerate. I didn’t get a car when I turned 16, my brother did, the day he turned 16. I even managed to get a job at the mall and showed up to work hung over or did drugs in the back room just to get through it. Therefore, my mother was responsible for taking me to and from work and she resented me from taking her from her drinking time to come and pick me up when the mall closed. One night she picked me up from work very drunk and very angry. She yelled and screamed at me telling me I was an inconvenience to her and how much I was a piece of shit. When I got into the car I heard a voice in my head say “put on your seatbelt”. When were only three blocks from home and stop at a stop sign at a major road, she turned to me and said “ I’m going to do us both a favor and kill us both.” She gunned the gas and before I knew it we collided with another vehicle. I don’t know how much mom was able to back up and pull away making it back to our house and the car in the garage. I was just in total shock, knowing if I didn’t wear my seatbelt I would have went through the windshield. About 20 minutes later there was banging at the front door, it was the cops. My mom yelled at me not to answer it and hide. When nobody would answer the door, two cops started to come through the back yard with flashlights. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. Imagine almost the entire back of your house is made a sliding glass doors, except for the kitchen which had a big sliding window above the sink. If cops are using flashlights to look through the windows there is only one place to hide. I got down on the kitchen tile and put myself into the fetal position for what seemed like hours.
One night a friend was driving me home and we turned onto my street I saw the police
and an ambulance down the road. It didn’t take me long to realize it was front of my
house! When my friend pulled up to my house it was like everything was going by in
slow motion. People going in and coming out of the house, I was shocked. I suddenly
ran into the house to see my mom on a stretcher. I started screaming “what’s going on?
Is she okay?” nobody was giving me any answers. My brother finally came up to me
and told me that mom was drunk and was talking about taking her life. He found her
an hour later on the floor with a bottle of pills, what pills I don’t know. They took her
away and everyone left. I felt so numb. I had to feel something, something other than this
nothingness. That night I called some people and scored some cocaine for the first time. I
was up all night doing lines of coke in my mom’s bathroom.
Journal Entry: May 27th 1998
I don’t have a fucking family. I fucked things up with my dad’s side and my mom
fucked things up with her side. My mom and I got into a huge argument last night. She
said she hates me and doesn’t want me around. My mom doesn’t know the heartache she
has caused me.
Misguided Mommy 